we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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