my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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