On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
