Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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