You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
