this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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