In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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