if you like me you must not know who I am
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
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