and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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