The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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