I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
