I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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