I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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