I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
