EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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