When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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