Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Your dad touched me again.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
