Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
