RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
