Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Randomize
