So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
