the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
