Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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