I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
