I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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