Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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