The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
