Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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