Can i not drive my cunt home
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
