Taylor Swift is so right about you.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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