So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
