I swear she didn't look like that last week.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
