yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
