if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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