That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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