You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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