I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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