i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
