I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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