his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
