I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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