smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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