I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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