I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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