I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Never underestimate the power of titties
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
