Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
do nipples grow back?
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