Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
