I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
