Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
