So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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